Beyond the Bully. Strengthening the Capacity to Cope
Dr Michael E. Bernard
Founder, You Can Do It! Education
Emeritus Professor, California State University, Long Beach
Former Professor, Melbourne Graduate School for Education, Melbourne University
Doctorate of Educational Psychology
- 6 minute read
Governments, schools and parents need to widen their focus from identifying and re-educating bullies to teaching young people how to better cope with the emotional damage bullying does, a leading educator says. According to Michael Bernard, governments, including education departments, have a critical role in doing all they can to minimise bullying in schools but aren’t investing in programs to develop students’ intrinsic capacity to cope.
And girls need particular support given research shows they are more vulnerable to bullying, Michael Bernard says.
Michael Bernard is an emeritus professor at California State University, Long Beach, a former professor at Melbourne University, and the Founder of You Can Do It! Education said addressing school bullying requires more attention on giving children and adolescents the tools to emotionally protect themselves if they find themselves on the receiving end.
“Schools have programs on preventing bullying, restorative justice systems for holding bullies accountable, education for bullies as to the consequences of their behaviour and positive behaviour rules in schools to limit the extent of bullying, and so they should,” Dr Bernard said.
“But on the other side, there’s too little investment in developing in children and adolescents the capacity to cope – the self-belief that they can handle bullying. In part, this involves helping them develop a way of thinking about bullying and what to say and do that protects and inoculates them from the insidious effects of bullying. This development does not happen overnight and requires constant reinforcement while kids are growing up – especially for some young people who, by nature, worry a lot.
“What is abundantly clear, and this applies to people in the workplace as much as it does to school students, is that people’s mindset about bullying largely determines the effect of the bullying on their emotional and behavioural response,” he said.
According to Dr Bernard, a key to empowering young people to rise above the power of the bully is for them to understand that they have the power to choose between negative, unhealthy thinking that causes them to feel extremely upset about being bullied and more positive, sensible ways of thinking that help them to feel less upset and more in control.
“I use the example of two students receiving the same text message several times, untruthfully saying that they were fooling around with a popular student at a school party and that the student's partner is on the warpath. Student 1 is quite devastated, feeling extremely anxious and depressed about the impact of the message on their reputation. At the same time, Student 2 pays little attention to the message, reminds themselves that they are worthwhile, and returns an SMS saying that the sender should spend less time spreading gossip."
The emotional impact of this cyber-bullying event is dramatically different for the two students because of each student’s different attitudes or mindsets. Student 1, as a consequence of their attitude of self-depreciation, takes being cyber-bullied quite personally, thinking, “Because I am being singled out, there must be something wrong with me. I now think less of myself and feel like I must be a total loser.”
In contrast, Student 2’s attitude of self-acceptance protects them. They refuse to rate their self-worth and value based on another’s opinion of them. Instead, they think, “I accept myself no matter what. I am me, and that’s OK.”
John has just been hired by a large electronic firm to chase up unpaid accounts and to provide regular updates and progress reports. His manager has just sworn at and abused him for being late in delivering this month’s summary. This is not the first time his manager has bullied him, including the assignment of unrealistic deadlines. John is managing the emotional impact of his abusive encounters with his superior. He refuses to take the abuse personally; he reminds himself that while the abuse is not acceptable, he can and will cope with it. His calmness in the line of fire not only helps maintain his mental health but also gives him the breathing space to see what, if anything, he can do for his manager to change the way she communicates—or to find a different job.
While state government departments have published useful guides for helping employees deal with workplace bullying (e.g. keep a record, seek advice, and locate grievous complaint procedures), developing the capacity of individuals to be able to cope with bullying should be underlined, illustrated and promoted through continuing education programs.
Professor Bernard said recent research he had conducted using his Bullying: The Power to Cope bullying prevention program focused on helping young people to, when bullied, how to regulate emotionally had yielded strong results, with more than 90 per cent feeling like they could manage incidents of bullying. Here’s what students who have been taught the power to cope have to say.
• I feel good, and I think I can cope with any kind of bullying.
• Now, I know more ways that I can use when I am in a bullying situation, and I know more about using self-talk to calm myself when hurt.
• Now I feel confident and have learned it’s not badder than war.
• My ability to cope has been stronger because now I know some strategies to cope.
• I feel confident because I can use self-talk, stay cool, calm and collected, and use positive body language.
• From this, I now feel calm when it happens and stay positive.
Dr Bernard said his research had shown girls were more likely to show significant improvements when they were targeted with anti-bullying programs, primarily because they tended to respond more negatively to being bullied in the first place.
And at a more granular level, he said, parents and teachers can play their part too.
“They need to have conversations with young people that include the essential points that acts of bullying are bad, but ‘bad’ does not mean catastrophic, that they can cope with things that are bad, and that they should not take the bullying personally.”
Message to Communicate to Young People to Help Empower them to Cope with Bullying
1. Feeling very upset when someone is being mean to you is normal and healthy.
2. The good news is that there are some things you can do to feel less very upset – and to get the person to change their behaviour.
3. You have the power to choose between negative, unhealthy thinking that causes you to feel extremely upset and positive, sensible thinking that helps you to feel less upset and more in control.
Here’s how negative, unhealthy thinking can make you feel.
Positive thinking changes for the better how you feel and behave.
4. Examples of ways you can think when someone is being mean:
“I am a worthwhile person no matter what. I am proud of who I am.”
Your positive qualities, which are important and define you as a person of value, are ones to be proud of. Just as it does not make sense to trash a car because it has a flat tyre, it never makes sense to trash yourself as being totally hopeless when someone is mean. Accept yourself no matter what someone says or does to you.
“This could be worse.”
Being teased or bullied is bad. But compared to terrible events that happen like war, natural disasters and loss of a loved one, how bad is it really?”
“I can cope.”
Even though you may not think so, you can stand things that happen which are bad, like someone being mean.
5. You can help stop teasing and bullying when you react confidently and positively. There are things you can do when someone is mistreating you.
Step 1. Use positive self-talk
Step 2. Communicate that you are not being hurt.
Step 3. Find friends to be with.
Step 4. Seek professional help.
If you need support help is available. Please contact one of the following Lifeline 13 11 14; Beyond Blue 1300 224 636; Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
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Bullying – The Power to Cope
